Saturday morning, I spent some time chatting online with other ex-gay survivors. One of the questions that was raised really made me think: if the publicized goal of a program is for homosexual persons to obtain celibacy (complete refraining from any sexual activity), and that group or program does not advertise or publicly suggest conversion therapies, isn't that something better than and different from an ex-gay program that focuses on conversion?
I've had people attempt to "remind" me, since I publicly came out as leaving Courage, that Courage does not advocate (at least not publicly) conversion therapy but rather advocates a 12 Step approach to celibacy. Yet all the while I was a part of Courage, and these individuals also, none of us were surprised to be reading about various conversion therapies that were encouraged, and every single one of us was praying that we would experience a cure.
I'm going to attempt to break it down so it makes sense.
If we agree with the Catholic Church that homosexuality is "intrinsically disordered" and all homosexual activities are therefor sinful, or if we decide that homosexuality is similar to an addiction or an illness, then how does it make sense for us to not seek to "cure" homosexuality?
So you see the problem. These programs, programs like Courage, claim that homosexuality is intrinsically disordered. They then claim that they don't seek a cure or engage in conversion therapy, that they just use 12 Steps to help people refrain from sexual activity.
But for the entire time I was a member of Courage, I never met another Courage member who wasn't also reading some other ex-gay literature on the side, or going to counseling with the goal of converting their sexuality, or attempting in some other way to change their orientation. All of us were hoping for a miracle, because no one wants to be ill forever and we all viewed our sexuality as an illness. As something wrong.
If, however, we agree that it is wrong to attempt to convert or change one's sexual orientation, then we are by definition agreeing that there is nothing wrong with the varying sexual orientations that exist. Because if there was something wrong, we would seek to correct it.
There is so much more that I still want to talk about and that I am still working on figuring out. I don't think that so many years of struggling to "fix" my sexuality is something that I can properly explain or heal from in a period of six months - and it has been six months now, since I quit Courage. I feel like I am only beginning to unravel some of the falsehoods I believed, some of the feelings and thoughts that drove me into the arms of the ex-gay movement, some of the fears. I also feel like everyone around me expects me to just be okay now, or to just move on with life like none of these past years ever happened.
But I can't do that. It takes time to work through these questions, and a million "ah ha" moments when things click into place. I still have friends who are priests and religious sisters and conservative Catholics, I still have friends who are members of Courage, and I still struggle with feelings of failure and the pain of being judged and disconnected from various friends as they realize that I'm not coming back to the fold.
That being said, I don't want to be depressing, and one of my next posts will likely be about going to PRIDE as I was recently blessed to attend a Pride celebration in a neighboring town. I am trying to keep a balance between fluff and depth, and between the joy of coming out and the pain of leaving the ex-gay movement.
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