God, I'm Sorry

I went for coffee with one of my friends today. Someone who has been there for me since I began my journey to become Catholic. Someone I trust and respect a lot. Someone I tell everything to whenever we get together.

So naturally I told her that I'm quitting Courage. That I've gone to a PFLAG meeting and am excited about going to college in May so that I can hopefully be a part of an LGBTQ group that might be starting there.

She said, "So are you one of those people who just picks and chooses what they like from the Church now?"

I didn't know what to say. She also said she hopes I don't adopt children, because children need a father.

God, I know she meant well. She wasn't trying to hurt me or anything. But her words hurt so damn much.

I understand, though, where she's coming from. I used to the think the same way. It's a struggle for me to not just slip back into that line of thinking. The Church hasn't changed in 2000 years, so it must be right. Well, the length of time we hold onto certain thinking or ideaology doesn't necessarily mandate that those thoughts are correct.

I think I've said similar things, not directly or personally to my individual friends, but in general. On my Facebook page, where I've jumped into debates simply to prove that my thinking is perfectly in line with Church teaching.

I'm filled with remorse right now, thinking I may have hurt my friends and other people who were reading, hurt them deeply, hurt them like I am hurting right now. Maybe I deserve this pain that I'm feeling - maybe I brought it on myself. Maybe it's worse for me because I still half-believe what she's saying, though I won't go back to how I was living when I was following Courage.

I wish I were brave enough to say I'm sorry directly on my Facebook wall. I really need to apologize. But right now, first, I need to heal from the pain I've caused myself, from the pain I'm feeling now, and then when I am stronger... when one person will no longer be able to shoot me down so easily... until then, this anonymous apology is all I can offer. But one day I will be strong enough to claim my authenticity back. I'm already on the journey.