My Secret Crush

I have this friend at my parish who is a truly beautiful woman; I have had a crush on her for the longest time. I don't know how old she is, but I know she's at least a decade older than me. Her hair isn't grey or anything, she doesn't look old. She never says how old she is.

I know she's single, never married and she doesn't seem to plan on marrying. I think she is straight, so I know my crush on her will never amount to anything. I worry that if she knew how attractive I find her, she would be freaked out. That doesn't stop me from wanting to be around her as much as possible, and from wanting to do nice things for her just so I can see her smile at me.

It's hard to miss that she is attractive - I've thought she is physically attractive since the first time I laid eyes on her. It's difficult for me, because she is wonderful to look at, but I try not to stare - I don't want to make her uncomfortable. Maintaining eye contact is dangerous, because I could lose myself in her eyes. Looking into her eyes, you can see everything she is feeling and so much depth just flowing through - it's like reading an intricately written piece of music, there's always something you miss because there is so much going by so fast, yet what you do see makes you love its entirety.

I also like to look at her shape - everything about her is exactly right - I even like looking at her feet. Of course, I try not to, because if she caught me staring it might make her uncomfortable

As I have gotten to know her better, she has become the one person I trust the absolute most in my life. I look up to her for so many reasons. I know I can tell her anything (except that I have this HUGE crush on her), and she would still be there for me. I know because I've already told her a lot of things about me, I've gone to her for help many times as I've struggled with my mental health over the past few years.

Her friendship is invaluable to me; my greatest fear is losing her friendship, my greatest secret desire is for her to love me like I love her, my greatest happiness is that even if she doesn't love me in that way, she still does love me as a friend. And no one could find a better friend than her.

I wonder what it would feel like to kiss her. I wish there were a way to find out without revealing to her how much I'm in love with her, except that I think if I kissed her I would naturally end up wanting more. I'd like to hold her, and be held by her.

I wrote a poem for her. I will post it in a later update, once I'm done editing it. It is a poem I will only ever consider putting out under this pen name, because I would worry otherwise that she might figure out that it is about her.