Lately, I've been exploring LGBTQ culture.

I've watched about six movies, and enjoyed all of them. My favourite so far would have to be either "Loving Annabelle" or "Better Than Chocolate". But if you're looking for something light and humorous, I'd suggest "But I'm A Cheerleader", and if you're looking for something that will make you cry, I'd suggest "Prayers for Bobby".

I've listened to a LOT of songs, and I have a new favourite artist, with a new favourite song:

There's something to be said for celebrating each part of who we are through music, movies, books, art... I have to say, though I mostly just enjoy normal Canadian culture, whatever that is... and though I definitely do not define myself entirely by my sexuality... well, it is an important part of what defines me, and I have enjoyed exploring that aspect of my identity recently.


It's especially nice to listen to uplifting LGBTQ music, to watch movies and read books that portray LGBTQ persons in a positive light. It's nice to see role models in the artists, to see myself in some of the characters, to watch a romantic comedy and not just be reminded that romance can have a happy ending, but a lesbian romance specifically can have that perfect ending, too.

I've had some major struggles this week, but I wanted to focus on the positive in this post. I have really wanted to post a Jen Foster song on my FB profile, but I'm still half-closeted, so I am compensating by posting a link to one of her songs here. Another good song of her's is In Between Poses:

There'll be later posts for me to discuss how Easter went, how my second PFLAG meeting went, how it went coming out to various friends and family members and how certain individuals have reacted to my quitting Courage. For now, I hope you'll just enjoy the positives of LGBTQ culture with me, something to which I have too long been blind.

Unrequited Confession

it's in her feet - small, perfectly formed,
strapped in black sandals, swaddled in thin
nylons.... I want to touch her feet, to know
if they are as soft as they look.
Even if they are callused, I'd love
to touch them.

it's in her eyes when she smiles - so bright
they warm me to my core. I want to see her smile at me,
to see her blue green eyes shining on me,
her lips turned up as light pours through
and her smile makes life suddenly worth it.

it's in her laugh - I could listen to her laugh all day.
it's not like a child's laugh that makes you laugh too,
her laugh is like the wind singing,
pouring breath and music into the soul.

it's in the shape of her, how she is not too thin, but curves exactly right,
how she carries herself like nothing is going to bring her down -
it's in her voice when she's singing. I want to listen even more
than I want to sing myself.

it's in everything about her, though I know she'll never feel the same.
I'll never tell her how I want to bask in her presence
as if she were my messiah...
how every week that passes when I don't see her feels too long.

as I fall, I berate myself for the foolishness of my love for her. I know
as a Catholic girl, I should not want her the way that I do.

yet despite myself and all I hold dear, I hold her even more dear.
I know this part of me that wants more of her
is going to live inside of me forever.

My Secret Crush

I have this friend at my parish who is a truly beautiful woman; I have had a crush on her for the longest time. I don't know how old she is, but I know she's at least a decade older than me. Her hair isn't grey or anything, she doesn't look old. She never says how old she is.

I know she's single, never married and she doesn't seem to plan on marrying. I think she is straight, so I know my crush on her will never amount to anything. I worry that if she knew how attractive I find her, she would be freaked out. That doesn't stop me from wanting to be around her as much as possible, and from wanting to do nice things for her just so I can see her smile at me.

It's hard to miss that she is attractive - I've thought she is physically attractive since the first time I laid eyes on her. It's difficult for me, because she is wonderful to look at, but I try not to stare - I don't want to make her uncomfortable. Maintaining eye contact is dangerous, because I could lose myself in her eyes. Looking into her eyes, you can see everything she is feeling and so much depth just flowing through - it's like reading an intricately written piece of music, there's always something you miss because there is so much going by so fast, yet what you do see makes you love its entirety.

I also like to look at her shape - everything about her is exactly right - I even like looking at her feet. Of course, I try not to, because if she caught me staring it might make her uncomfortable

As I have gotten to know her better, she has become the one person I trust the absolute most in my life. I look up to her for so many reasons. I know I can tell her anything (except that I have this HUGE crush on her), and she would still be there for me. I know because I've already told her a lot of things about me, I've gone to her for help many times as I've struggled with my mental health over the past few years.

Her friendship is invaluable to me; my greatest fear is losing her friendship, my greatest secret desire is for her to love me like I love her, my greatest happiness is that even if she doesn't love me in that way, she still does love me as a friend. And no one could find a better friend than her.

I wonder what it would feel like to kiss her. I wish there were a way to find out without revealing to her how much I'm in love with her, except that I think if I kissed her I would naturally end up wanting more. I'd like to hold her, and be held by her.

I wrote a poem for her. I will post it in a later update, once I'm done editing it. It is a poem I will only ever consider putting out under this pen name, because I would worry otherwise that she might figure out that it is about her.