WARNING: the link goes to a video that shows the scourging at the pillar. Youtube has deemed it rated content, if you are too young then don't try to view it, and if you are sensitive, be warned that it is very graphic. I posted it because that's the EXACT sound that I hear.
I know my previous two posts really seem like a lot of fluff - talking about a crush - but they're not, not for me.
At the suggestion of one of my ex-gay friends, I trained myself so that every time I was tempted to think a vaguely sexual thought, every time I got close to allowing myself to think about a crush that I had, I would hear the sound of the scourging at the pillar. I would hear that sound in my head, and I would tell myself that it was my fault, because I had learned from reading about St. Faustina that the scourging at the pillar happened to atone for our sins of impurity.
At that time, I had perceived that thinking about someone in that way, having a crush, thinking another woman is beautiful and wanting to kiss her, was my sin of impurity.
So to allow myself to even think about the fact that I have a crush on someone, to describe how beautiful she is, to admit that I want to kiss her, that for me is a step towards facing my shame and overcoming it.
To be very clear: my identity as a Catholic is important to me. I don't blame the Church for my ex-gay experience; while her teachings certainly helped me to gain that experience, I would never have gone there if I hadn't been looking for someone to confirm me in my shame.
I just want to explain to any potential readers, the why behind what appears as fluff. It's because it's a challenge for me to write it and not hate myself for writing it. It's because writing it is part of how I can start to undo some of the damage I did to myself, because now when I hear that sound of the whip hitting Jesus, I have to remind myself that it's not my fault that they did that to him, that this crush that I have and my admitting to it is not the reason for the scourging.
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